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| 10:58pm 06/05/2009 |
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mood:  lonely music: scrubs theme song
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So last night we all went out to paquitos and had a good time. Most everyone went. Kris, Krystal, Krystin, Salvador, Freddy, Corey, his friend Bryan and of course Eli and I. We went dancing had margaritas, shots of tequila and Coronas. Afterwards we all went to " mama's" to goof around and much on leftovers from earlier that evening. We polished off Salvadors guacamole and I even got to do the " tip drill". This morning Eli, Corey, Bryan and I went out of brunch @ panera. Eli had to go to work so Corey and Bryan dropped me off @ home. I called Kristina to remind of to pick me up to make Mucho Margarita cupcakes but, she never came or even replied to my text message I sent her hours later. So, I sat home and watched hours of Scrubs on dvd. I finished off the 1st season and even began the 2nd.Now I'm just kinda od lonely and sitting along the canal in back of my condo building. Watching boats go by and the setting sun. I feel soo lonely right now. Things are going good with Eli and I but, I just feel left out with my friends. Since I've been back its like I've never fully returned. They forget to answer my calls or invite me out anywhere. Too often I feel like I'm inviting myself. They are still good friend and they are there when I need them. I just feel like maybe I'm just a forgettable person or that maybe I've been distant with them. I dunno but it makes me sad.
Eli and I have been in Miami for 5 months now and things are going okay. I'm making money and I like my job but, things haven't always been going our way. Its like one financial trouble after an other. My car is always messed up in some way. Eli's car has been totaled so he is without. My landlord hasn't been paying his mortgage so now we are being forced to relocated. We are considering moving to the beach but, I don't know right now. I still haven't gone back to school. Its just so hard to concentrate with all this stuff going on in my life. I try to keep positive but, I just don't feel much progress. I just keep getting all these set backs. I try to keep positive but, its hard sometimes. Maybe I just need to start being more grateful for what I have.Maybe I just expect too much for myself. My life isn't perfect but its good. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for where I am and who I have in my life because, I have some really great people in my life who love me. I also love them dearly. |
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| Miami thus far |
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| 12:53pm 07/02/2009 |
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mood:  relieved music: FIU library buzzzz..
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So, I've been back here for at least a month and a half now. Eli and I have been sleeping on Krystin's couch. That has been fun lol NOT! Eli and I just put down our deposit on our new place! I can't wait to be in there. We get the keys sometime next week. Too bad we really don't have any furniture lol. We have my bed, computer, desk, monitor/tv and I also have various kitchen appliances as well as some plates and bowls. They are all sitting at my parents house though so, I need to work out something with my brother to use his truck. South Beach Friday's is going alright. I'm the new guy so I keep getting shafted on the schedule which is lame but, once it picks up there again it wont be a big deal. I went back to GAP temporarily which was a joke so, no I'm picking up shifts at NMB Friday's again lol. I can't believe I'm actually working there again. It's really funny. It's like I never left, just most of the same people and same bullshit. I'm not gunna lie. I kinda like being back there. Being there just feels normal and at home. Being there and getting my new place has really put me @ peace. Since I left here in May of 08' my life has felt unsettling and inconsistent and now I feel a million times better. |
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| a reflection. |
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| 03:26pm 22/11/2008 |
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mood:  reflective. music: bruises- chairlift
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It's been too long since I've written here. My life has changed sooo dramatically. I moved home from Miami and wow what an experience. I spent some time to learn about my family and hoping I could grow close to them. I learned that my parents are just tooo different and that It's a blessing in disguise that I don't know them very well. Chelsea and I really aren't friends much anymore. Matt is a distant memory a half assed friend. Iv'e met the man of my dreams Eli. What a pleasant surprise. He's vegan too. Were vegan together and its some hottness. I never though I would be vegan but, its the most rewarding thing I could have ever chosen for myself. To respect myself, animals and the enviorment. Iv'e learned to appreciate myself and other beings soo much more. I'm still serving tables at Friday's and I'm transfering to the one on south beach in 3 weeks!! I can't wait to get back to Kris, Krystin and, Krystal. They are the best friends you could ever ask for. I love our little vegan friendmaly. We have a new addition. Her name is Tegan. Shes a couple month old kitten I rescused from the middle of the road. Shes kinda fystie but, all soo sweet. I love her to death. School is going eh. I love being back in school and working towards something but, Fort Myers had slumped me into a bit of a depression. Which I'm already feeling out of already. I don't belong here in Fort Myers. It's where I grew up but, I have never really felt at home here. It's just not for me. Home for me hasn't been a place. I don't have a place called home. Home for me is the people that I love and love me back. Those people are Eli, Kris, Krystin and Krystal. They are home for me. They are soo loving, comforting and supportive. I can' t wait to get out of this town. It's soooo close! |
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| RIP Grandpa |
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| 05:19am 24/05/2008 |
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mood:  blank
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You're very loved and missed...
damn, I can't believe we lost him...just this tuesday was the first time I had seen him in over 2 years...
I feel blessed to have spent time with him in his last days with us. |
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| The ol' buzz kill myers |
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| 02:03pm 22/05/2008 |
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mood:  depressed music: some warper tour cd.
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So, being back in FortMyers has really put me down. I'm just not as fun and full of life like I was back in Miami. I don't have many friends here, I'm just trying to be fun and uplifting but, I need a little help. I need a little spice in my life. I was hoping this boy would be just the thing but, he seems to just be giving me mixed signals. I'm pretty sure it just might be my imagination and he's just busy but, this place is making me stir CRAZY! Seriously, I haven't had panic attacks in such a long time till I came back to this place. I just really need to face up to my past problems and my family. I wasn't aware that being home again would be such a struggle.
My family life here is such a mess it really stresses me out. My Mother is sick, My Grandpa is really sick. My brother Billy is always in some terrible trouble and just a sever mess. No one here seems very happy and it's pulling me down. Just all this negative energy, It's no place to live. Talk about a buzz kill. |
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| I really can't believe I'm actually back here..... |
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| 11:51am 10/05/2008 |
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mood:  blah music: my little brother playing guitar in the other room
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So, I'm back in fucking fortmyers... Matt has pushed me out... My mom is still the same jesus freak she's always been..... and my new job blows.
..................... i keep asking myself... " why am I here again?" |
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| Fairy tales are bullshit |
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| 02:59pm 10/04/2008 |
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mood:  pensive music: vampire weekend
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I used to believe that life mimic fairy tales.. and if they didn't its because your not where your meant to be. It's hard to remind myself that, that simply isn't true nor, will it ever be true. Happiness is a choice and a gift. It's not something you get for being who you were meant to be or being who you were meant to be with. You cant obtain it by fulfilling your destiny. Not that there really is a destiny other than the one you choose for yourself. No matter what you do, you can never make your life a fairy tale because, were all human who make mistakes and hurt one an other and mess things up. Life is what you make it and what you make of it. It's a mental game that sadly I'm struggling with but, its nothing that good times and good friends can't fix.. so let the good times roll because I really need some right now. |
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| buzz kill |
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| 02:34pm 10/04/2008 |
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mood:  annoyed music: sugar in your gas tank
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God I hate those ridiculous people that are always just a buzz kill.... like those overly rude and obsessive people.. thank make you think.. " god i was having such a good day until your bitch ass ".......UGHH just leave me alone... please???? |
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| I cannot believe |
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| 10:05pm 09/04/2008 |
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mood:  cheerful music: less than jake
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that i ever forgot about all the greatness that is ska |
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| Moving home and going to school. |
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| 08:48am 27/02/2008 |
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music: Boston - Augustana
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I'm really starting to grasp the concept of leaving Aventura. It was just a quick, easy and simple decision to make for my future but, I'm starting to feel that consequences of leaving here. No longer do will I have the simple luxuries of having my own place but, most importantly I'm leaving the friends and live I made for myself here. This is the first place I was allowed to be me and grow. I don't have my parents telling me what to do and what is right and wrong. Being on my own here has taken the scales from my eyes and opened my heart and mind. For once in my life I actually feel inspired to do something with my life and it feels great. I really needed this experience in my life and I finally see why. Though I'm moving home to my parents house in FortMyers, I'm leaving Aventura with the passion and inspiration I've always longed for in my life. P.S. I'm sooo stoked about finally going to college! I know it's kinda lame but, ya know I excited to start something new with my life rather than live in the same old FortMyers drab that its always been. |
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| Is it awful? |
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| 10:49pm 07/02/2008 |
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mood:  sad music: Radiohead
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that I often want to get out of my relationship? I mean I love Matt but, I don't think that we can be happy together. Then again I feel that soon he will be all that I wish and hope for him to be. He's making extreme changes for me and for the better of us but, I often feel like it's too little too late. Like I'm just already over it. Matt keeps telling me that he feels that I only want to move home into my parents so, that I could easily get rid of him. But the honest to God truth is that I want to move with my parents so that I have the space and room to decide for myself. I feel awful keeping this from him but, I don't want to unnecessarily hurt Matthew if I'm never really going to leave him.
I should really be open and honest with him shouldn't I. I mean isn't communication a vital tool in a relationship and shouldn't I be open and honest with him to come to the best conclusion? This is hard and this hurts. Is this normal? I'm sure it is..... |
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| 10:42am 31/01/2008 |
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I've been working wayyyy too much and just burning me out. Like I have been working 50 hours a week and my kitchen looks like a giant shit hole. I feel bad for my roommate and boyfriend. Sorry guys : ( |
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| ._. |
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| 03:04am 26/01/2008 |
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I just has the most bizzare realization. I have an irrational fear of straight heterosexual men. |
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| 09:56pm 07/01/2008 |
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Do you ever feel like you love something soo much that your going to explode. |
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| its a randall-lutoin |
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| 10:28am 12/12/2007 |
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mood:  rejuvenated music: the brunettes
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I'm going through sort of a renovation. I'm soo tired of being sick and tired. While being mopey in my lame ass life.I'm tired of being miserable in my miserable life. So I'm fervidly pursuing life. I'm applying for financial aid, i'm getting a new car and finding a new job. I got all this good energy that keeps going an flowin'. I'm lovin it......................... remind me to never again use a McDonalds catch phrase.
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| 01:00am 06/12/2007 |
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Its odd to find out that you've been living your whole live like a child with splinter... who wont let anybody touch it... |
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| ah Thanksgiving..( there is nothing like getting wasted to forget your problems) |
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| 03:34am 23/11/2007 |
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mood:  drained music: misc.
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So.. Thanksgiving at my parents was awful. We ate bad turkey while my mom made us watch youtube videos of all these " supernatural" doings of God.. Angles dancing around camp fires,God sending fairy dust shit, oil leeking from the walls. My mother told me that she believes God changed her old black fillings to silver fillings. I told Todd that I think they are putting LSD in the communion.
So.. I preceded to Matthew parents house while we got wasted. Julie( Matts mom ) smoked some greens with us. I don't think that went very well, considering she vomited in the yard and pissed her pants but, hey it happens to the best of us. Ya so Oh Man! Julie pulled out the wigs while I was sandwhiching with some old drunk whores.
This whole thing was actually reallllly embarrassing for me.
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| Every morning |
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| 04:55pm 12/11/2007 |
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mood:  restless music: motion city soundtrack
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Feels as thought I got hit by a truck the night before...
My whole body is sore and aching..
And I feel as though I never slept at all. |
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| If there is one thing my parents taught me it't this. |
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| 07:28pm 11/11/2007 |
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mood:  disappointed music: All American Rejects
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Invest in your family because they are the only ones that will ever have your back.
The older I get the more i realize that they really don't.. and it hurts like fuck
fuck
I feel soo much more alone then I ever thought I would |
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| selfish boyfriends are really fucking irritating |
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| 06:01am 02/11/2007 |
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mood:  pissed off
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I'm sure that you think its cute and funny.. but its not for me.. to have to hear your fucking alarm snoozing since 630 and to have your ass waking me up every ten minutes to the point that im soo irritated with you that it pisses me off enough that i wake up.. um... i went to sleep at 3am and ya i have a fucking interview today and have to work all fucking night.. so matthew stoner.. go fuck yourself please |
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